cast that noise.

Giant douche, or turd sandwich? I got my voter registration card, and I'm so excited. I can't wait to vote.

Black Sabbath?...indeed.

hibernation mode.

I started working for Machine on Thursday. I like it: cool people, dim lights, an extensive iTunes library that never stops, my own work station, not-so-heinous tasks, and soon, a paycheck. Yay! But seriously, I know I'm going to learn alot from them because I learned something new both days I've been there.

On a different note, my heater in the Trin hasn't been working for the past few days. And I lost my lease, and it had the number of Mr. Maintence written on one of the pages. It's freezing in here. I like sleeping in the cold and all, but it's a little too cold when you're only one body.

I'm glad it's Friday. I need to catch up on my sleeping in.

I don't believe I'm doing anything for Halloween. There's really no point; it's not like back in the day when we used to fuck shit up in stealth mode. It kinda sucks. But, so it goes. It's not like anyone would even want to go raise hell, such a "pusspuss," as Billie would say.

It's too cold in here.

please drive faster.

-------------Prologue---------------

I just feel like typing, and being random.

---------------Act I-----------------

My life is at this weird intersection. I was going to take off if I didn't get the job. Well, obviously, I'm not taking off, and I know Felicia is extremely glad that I'm not, because she knows what I would've done to myself if I had gone. She's seen me after I come back from a trip, so has Katherine; I'm just fucking nuts for a few weeks, and I'm cocky as shit. Okay, I'm an asshole. There, I said it. I'm an asshole. We all knew that though. It's nice to know that a few friends are looking out for my well being. Oh well, (insert a sigh here). I really wanted to get away from my universe here, too. I guess it's good that I have to learn to just deal with everything, rather than running away and hoping that when I return everything will be okay.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I miss everything that I once had.

It just seems like everyday, I grow a little more alone. And I know that I have friends out there, whom I love equally and dearly, but I don't know, there just seems to be this lack of understanding. Maybe also a lack of adventure. It's not you guys, it's me.

I'll say this again also: I miss the familiarity.

-------------intermission-------------

Punch and pie.

---------------Act II-----------------

You know how when you think back on all those rad times, you can remember everything so clearly, even if at the time you were fucked up on adrenaline, or drugs, or booze?...yeah. For me, when I think about familiarity, I see everything in an orange hue; like time is forever captured in this warm glow. I think I see past events in that hue because when I'm happy, I think I emit that exact same warm glow. Lately, when I think about some of the events that have happened over the past year, I see a few memories in orange, but mostly, I've been seeing things in a color of blue, similiar to that of the light emitted from the sky at 5 a.m. It's dark, but not so dark to where you can't see...and it's cold. This is the aura that I've been giving off...and it's no wonder I feel so alone. Who the fuck wants to hang out with someone who breathes ice? I know I don't. I've been hating the fact that I have to spend so much time with myself lately.

So how do you stop living in the blue?

Simple: just say, "fuck it" as often as you can in any situation, and go for it. Take that shit in stride. Live like how you used to live. Bring back those ideologies from when you were living in the orange.

Set the maps on fire, and wander where you stand.

--------------Epilogue---------------

There's absolutely no way I can ever go back in history. Making memorable history is the only thing that can happen from this point. I'll never get those days back, and you know what?...fuck it. So it goes. Let's just enjoy that cigarette. Let's just believe that you are indeed a fucking rock star, and live like you believe it.

The orange only remembers the good times.

Fin.

the second dimension.

It's crazy how the moral you learn at the end of an episode of South Park puts everything from your own life into perspective.

it's just photos.

kat 'n corn
Originally uploaded by cheersfortrout.

From today's adventure.

us 'n corn
Originally uploaded by cheersfortrout.

We had to do one of those gay self-portraits...because we were above the corn, like Jesus. "Ascension is ours; ascension has opened up here now, with you in my failing arms." - Hum.

rip them off like dirty band-aids.

I'm so angrily flushed in the face right now...I just wanna punch in faces. Ugh. I had a great day, but after a little over an hour trying to park my car just pissed me the fuck off. I hate people soooo much. Jackasses. Total jackasses. Ugh, I think I may be illegally parked, but fuck it, I'm tired, pissed and horned. I wanna thrash, and get thrashed.
Okay, I'm over it. Seriously. Or not. Arrrrrgh.
Yeah, so Katherine and I went to this corn "maize" in Warrington. It was fun. We found our way out of the maze, then we picked pumkins in their patch. I got a pumpkin. God knows what I'm going to do with a damn pumpkin, but I got one, and he's just chillin' in my chair like he's a house guest. "I shall call you 'Eduardo.'"- Mr. Weed. I may carve him, but I don't know yet. I'll definitely roast his seeds. Tasty.
Um, what else? Oh, we just kinda drove around the burbs and ran errands. Then we hung out and watched fussball. Then she and Alfred made dinner. Tasty. Then I left. And then I got angry. And this is where I last found myself.

cause what we did, there's no excuse for it.

I seriously need a bookshelf...seriously. Just one would solve a major issue of space. I spent all nite trying to find something that I know I have...or do I?...I dunno, maybe I really don't have it anymore. Well, anyway, my point is that I need to buy a bookshelf because I need to put some of this stuff anyway in an anal retentive manner.
In the midst of trying to find an item that I'm not even sure is still in my possession, I came across the contact sheet and the final prints of my studio photography shoot. Weird. I remembered how much he looked like Andy Dick and Stephan Baldwin's love child. And you know, surprisingly, those were some really nice shots that I took, considering the fact that we got wasted in that studio together. I don't really regret what happened, because that was all a great experience, especially with the practice in portraiture photography. I really did a good job on those, and I'm my toughest fucking critic. Though it is a little weird that I'll always have that memory. Nuts.
The darkroom was so much fun; I loved producing prints and being able to say, "whoa, I'm so rad" when something turned out awesomely good. I wish I had a studio environment with a darkroom. I need another male model, too. That'd be so much fun. Artistic nudes. Ha. Right.

the smiles are everywhere.

An eventful day, indeed. Alison popped into the city and we hit up some thrift stores to hunt down pieces for her halloween costume...she found an excellent skirt for like eight bucks. What a steal! I ended up buying shit that I didn't need, but had to get due to their radness...like for instance, this "beer stein of death" -Alison. It's this totally gay beer stein that's for decoration...it's so gay that I had to have it. I got a too cool t-shirt and blazer from Buffalo Exchange...oh and a new knit hat to add to my already immense collection. And then the rest of my money went to Blarney South and their crabcake sammich and a couple of their pints. All in all, I blew more than I should've, but dude, it's okay because I had an awesome time, and when I got back home from walking Alison to the train station, I got the news that I landed the internship...score! I'm excited...no, no, I'm stoked!

nice_socks
Originally uploaded by cheersfortrout.

She's wearing a skirt!!

that's how you debate.

Nice, I lost like 4.2 pounds this past week. I'm stoked.

Nothing else is new. Same shit, as always.

whoa now.

Oh man, it was the scariest shower scene EVER.

hello, dearest, stay awhile?

Despite the dreary weather, it was actually a pretty productive day for me. Well, I guess it was productive if you consider watching MTV's Made for a few hours, reading the classifieds, downloading a pant load of music, and then putting them on your iPod to be productive activities. Yeah, I know...it's not productive at all. But what the hell else am I going to do?
I still haven't heard back from Machine, other than the response to my thank you email on sunday. I'm getting really anxious. I would just like to know whether or not I can skip town for awhile. I know that if I do leave for a bit, my parents will eventually find out, and they'll consider me a basketcase again...and quite possibly get extremely pissed. Whatever. I know when I'm not mentally well...and yeah, right now, I'm not well. The only thing that'll help me out, is for me to get out. And I know my mom is going to say that I should just move back in with them. And I know that I can't...I just can't. Blah. I'm sure I'll know by the end of the week, and if not, then fuck it, I'm going to Seattle. I'll call Rusty, and he'll drive to Philly, and we'll stop in Chicago, and have breakfast in Montana. Or not.
To be honest, I'd love to get the job and stay in Philly and tough it out. But to be even more honest, I wouldn't be that upset if I didn't get it.

I should really stop smoking cigarettes one day soon. Or at least start trying to stop. But then again, sometimes I just figure, "What's the point?...I'll just die of other people's secondhand smoke, or get hit by a bus."

So my late afternoon was spent hanging out with Alison and her friend, Brandi. She was a cool chick. It's always nice to meet new folk. I think the general rule is: anyone who's friends with Alison is good people. We went to the diner for dinner. It's pretty much a ritual now.

I just talked to Sheila. The dude she went out with tonite wasn't a total bust, and she's going on a second date...yay! Good for her. Hopefully he doesn't turn out to be a douche like her last two guys. Everybody deserves someone nice...possibly even me...but that means I'd have to let myself be deserving.

it's gonna get worse.

Today was one of those days where I woke up hating everything and everyone. To clear my head, I grabbed my iPod and my sunglasses and I went for a walk. I just didn't want to be hassled, or fucked with, so I threw on a hoodie for good measure...Reko style. So I stopped in Washington Square because I figured I could call Roxanne back, since I missed her call earlier today. No answer. I stayed on that bench for nearly two hours. And I realized: it could be worse. When you look at other people, you realize that it's not just you who's got a hard life. Seeing faces, you realize that. I mean, even the pigeons got it bad.
I took an even longer walk after I left the park. And yeah, it's not so bad. Now, the hard part is figuring out what to do next.

in search of similarity.

This afternoon, I went to PhilaU to pick up Felicia because I promised her I'd help her out with her location search for her thesis. So we drove all the way to Malvern on Rt. 30, and then back. We drove around scores of neighborhoods and housing developments all along the way, but we just could not find the perfect suburb; a place where every house is perfectly planned, and insanely similar. We gave up. And then she bought me a sandwich and a cup soup from Quizno's, and she gave me five bucks for gas...also known as: cigarette money.

Anyway. So I had to park all the way on 2nd and Pine, but I didn't even care because four blocks is chump change. Besides, I need the exercise. I should've just walked down to the Tin Angel, or some joint for a fucking pint, or two. Shit. I don't know why, but lately, I've just been getting smashed. I'm just sorta sick of it all, and I feel like it's that time again: to be self-destructive. I just want to drink, and smoke, and do drugs, and have sex, and drive, and listen to music, and have coffee at odd hours in the extreme a.m., and have self-depreciative conversations with someone who's equally down in the dumps these days. Sometimes, the only way for me to feel alive, is to abuse myself.
I just want to look back in five years and be able to say to myself, "Yeah, I had a time, and if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a goddamn thing."
I know that everything will be alright in the end. I can't be expected to have it all worked out; I'm only 22 years old. I wouldn't be surprised if took me until I'm 30. It'll all turn out in the end...you'll see.

oh, instincts are misleading.

"Well, hell's belles," as my father would say. If I weren't fucking wasted right now, I wouldn't be typing this. Rusty texted me at around 9 p.m. By the time I answered him, it was nearly ten, and he ended up calling me at around eleven. We ended up getting drunk on the line with each other. I smoked my last cigarette at around ten thirty. Oh, I had to smoke some icky, but at least I got to talk to my nig for about 2 hours. We decided that if I don't get the internship, we're going on a road trip to Seattle to see Billie. I need to get out of Philly for a while, and he needs to get away from 'Bama for a while. I think we need to revive the roadtrip...we haven't done it in almost two years.
I think I just talked to Alison online too. I saw that her away message was not there, but she got to me before I got to her. She said, "nice pony." Alison, if you're reading this: I was/am drunk, but I tried to play it off as well as I could...you understand...and I really did promise Felicia I'd drive her for cash. I should sleep if I'm going to be driving tomorrow. "Whateva. Whateva, I do what I want. Ta dow, ta dow...how ya like me now?" -Cartman.
Fuck, I still need cigarettes...I'd kill for one. Too bad there's been a bunch of robberies and thefts, and a rape in Society Hill...and good thing they passed out flyers...cause if they didn't, I'd probably walk to Wawa in my junked up state. Oh, well, in the morning I'll get my fix...though it won't be the same.

pony ride.

pony_ride
Originally uploaded by cheersfortrout.

I couldn't go to sleep last nite. I was laying in bed for hours. Finally, at 4 a.m. I decided I'd just get up, and I ended up cleaning my entire kitchen; I rearranged my drawers and cabinets, and I cleaned the stove hardcore. I ended up going to bed at around 7 a.m., after smoking tons of cigarettes and tidying up. At 11 a.m., I was back at it; cleaning like mad. I went to the store before it rained, to buy lightbulbs and more cleaning supplies. Yeah, so I'm going to have to blame it on the new house blend coffee I bought last nite. I guess I shouldn't have had cups after 10 p.m.

an appetite for the lovely inside.

Okay, so I went with Katherine and we joined Weight Watchers. I never thought I'd join a weight management group in my lifetime. Oddly, it was actually an enjoyable experience. We met some nice ladies. And it wasn't like an AA meeting, which is what I was expecting. Katherine joined for her health; she was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism (?) and she's just tired of being unhealthy. I joined to support both her and Alfred, and also, because my weight is the only thing in my life that I can really control. Right now, my life is so fucking intense; random obstacles are being thrown in my face left and right, and I can't control any of it, and 4 out of 5 times, I make bad decisions when it comes to those obstacles. I don't really eat right anyway. I only eat like once or twice a day, and even though I eat relatively healthy and greenly, since I'm not eating at regular intervals, my metabolism is totally warped. Plus, I fucking sleep like 12 hours a day. In the past eight or so months, I've gained like 20+ lbs. Granted, I've never really been remotely close to my doctor's recommended weight, but I have been lighter, and I'm always happier when I am. Right now, I'm not too happy with myself, mentally and physically. I figure if like the outside more, I'd feel better on the inside, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck in the depressed stage of my manic depressiveness...yeah, that's right, I'm fucking crazy. I'm not one of those crazy anorexic girls when it comes to my weight. I don't mind being fleshy. I just have a closet full of totally babe-alicious clothes that I can't quite fit into anymore, and yeah, they fill like 90% of my wardrobe. Seriously, if I lost like 25 lbs, I'd have enough outfits to last me like 3 months without ever wearing the same thing twice...sick, huh? I'll admit it: I used to shop like mad...and if I had the cash to burn, I'd probably still shop like mad, cause I sure do love new clothes. I'm such a girl. Yeah, I need to go back to being happy, because I miss seeing my smile.

she undresses for only one.

Roxanne is the only one who knows everything. She's known me the longest. We met in the second grade. I tortured her then...I rubbed glitter gel on her arms and told her it was poison ivy. She hated me. She moved away. I met her again in the fifth grade. She moved away. And then I met her again for the third time in the eighth grade, and ever since then, it's been on. She moved away again in the ninth grade, and I cried, but she came to live with my family every summer. She came back one last time and we spent our senior year of high school together. Yeah, we've been thru it all: the mischief, the drugs, the booze, the fun, the music, the everything. I know that I can tell her the entire story, and you know what she'd say?...she'd say: "Man, fuck that, so long as you had a good time." I don't think anything that I do can cause her to be disappointed in me, because chances are, she's done something similar, or worse, or better. It's called understanding.

a relative stranger.

Eh. I had this whole entry that I typed throughout the day, but since I'm tired because I had to wake up before noon, I managed to accidentally close the window. No need to try to rehash what I was bitching about. I'm sure it wasn't important.

So I had the iShip interview today. I thought it went well. They were pretty cool people, and one guy graduated from my college. So, hopefully, I'll get some good news next week when they make their decision.

Speaking of jobs, Billie just got hired yesterday, and Liz's dude just got a job offer last week, and I just got off the phone with Roxanne, and she just got offered a sweet job today. I'm really hoping I'll be next, cause fuck man, unemployment is totally killer.

Alison came over today after her class. We went to the diner. And since I'm on my period, I was craving starch, and the mashed potatoes were a good call. Boo, I want to go to the Eastern State Penitentiary shindig with Alison tomorrow nite, but I promised Katherine I'd go to Weight Watchers with her. It sucks being chubby. Actually, it doesn't, I'm learning to love myself.

she travels.

Last nite I had to get the fuck out of Philly. I couldn't take it. I felt like I was being smothered by my own indifference. I seriously couldn't breathe. I didn't know where I could go, but thankfully, I was saved when Jonathan called at 1 a.m. I drove to Scranton to be in the presence of a genuinely good person. I needed the three hour drive on an empty highway. I needed to feel momentum. And because he too is indifferent, he made me feel like everything was going to be okay. It's good to have friends you can drive to, even if you do show up at 4 a.m. Driving makes everything alright again.

she's the biggest failure to everyone even remotely important to her.

I really am a fool. I really couldn't help myself. That's no excuse. I'm such a jerk...and I hate myself for that. I messed up. It was too good to be true, but of course I didn't believe it, and so I had to continue with my jerkitude. So much for being honest. No amount of sorries can make up for that. I really am sorry though. I wish I could take it all back and re-live it. I can't. All I can do is say sorry...but that gets me nowhere, and I see that now. Fuck. I wanna go home now. I guess I'll have to settle for crying, which sucks. I'm so stupid.

tight ends, and wide receivers.

So it turns out that I'm a bigger perv than I ever thought. And I like it.

your mother's got her missionary position.

For the past few nights, I've been up at these absurd hours in the a.m. I think I went to bed at like five a.m. the last time I slept. I'll just sit in bed and channel surf. A lot of times, I find myself drawn into the Tele-Evangelist network...you know which station I'm talking about. And you know, late at night they have those christian music videos...and I can't help but watch them. I don't know, I just find it sickly engrossing. Oh, especially when they have those christian emo bands...oh, I love it! Watching the kids in the background is the best part because they're all dressed like scenesters with their black arm bands, and studded belts, and their frontward combovers...and then there they are, just having a good time: thrashing out to the band and occasionally one or two will have their arms raised in the air in that pious "V." Those kids are serious about their faith, man. I may not be into religion, or rocking out to it, for that matter, but for some odd reason, you gotta respect those people...because they're "filled with Christ love!!"

Ha. I couldn't help but be reminded of when AnTonie and I went to see Saved!

and she'll give you a call.

I have an interview with this branding agency on Wednesday. It's for an internship...or as I like to say in Mac speak: iShip. It's a paid iShip, which is stellar. Hopefully, I'll make a good impression and get the gig, cause it'd be hella hella sweet. I'm going to have to credit Ryan's radness for helping me out with the whole situation. So I went for a walk today, and I decided I'd scope out the building, and I must say, it's a nice location. I splattered olive oil on the shirt that I love to wear to interviews. I want to go shopping so bad. I'm such a girl. I need money to feed my desire.
On my way back, I made the mistake of walking through Independence Hall, and apparently, you can't exit on the corner of 6th and Chestnut...which is bogus. These guards were yelling at me, and I had to yell back. And then I had to walk back and around the block. Lame ass.
I stopped at Washington Square to sit and make some phone calls. Roxanne was on her way to a wedding, but we still managed to exchange some news within the three minute phone call. Rusty was driving, hauling plants, but we still managed to exchange some news within the nine minute phone call. Talking to them was nice. I miss them so much.
Tonite, I think I'll continue with the phone calls, since I already called Katherine, Roxanne and Rusty today. There's actually not too many people I can call...seeing as how I really don't have that many friends. I'll call Jonathan, and see how he's been doing. I should call my parents, also.
Talking to people just makes me a little sad. I guess that's why I hardly ever phone people. I mean, I'm usually pretty sad to begin with, and to talk to someone, and then miss them, just makes me even more sad.
I lead a lonely existence, you know. But it's okay; you know how I do.

a little soft shoe, perhaps?

Little black boys in purple three-piece suits can't help but make you smile. And it's so nice outside, that all you really want to do is smile.

small city girl, big city dreams.

There's just nothing much to be saying now. My life is boring as always. I've just been here, doing my daily routine, daily. My heart has been softening up, but you know, I'm still weary about letting it melt. My head has been getting stuffy, but you know, it's only because of the weather.

I need to sit down one nite and just make phonecalls. I can think of three people that I need to catch up on...particularly Roxanne. I do believe this is her last month in the Navy. I should go to Virginia and visit her. And then I could pick up a carton of smokes for cheap.

I want to go see a movie. Hmm, I haven't hung out with Alison lately. It's weird because it's like I'm catching up on those few years when she didn't live right down the hall from me. What can I say...the girl's a rad one.

Oh, I feel so sick today. My head and stomach is not cool.

park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

So here's the deal: I don't know a good thing when I see it, or have it. This past year has just been a very awkward year. There was just a ton of factors that have just built me up into this; including getting arrested, misplacing old friends, losing my virginity, not having been to Louisiana since last December, being unemployed since January, graduating college, my father getting hella sick, almost falling in love, new apartments, and passing up adventures. I ended up so blind...toward everything.
The more I try to make things right, the more I fuck up. It's so stupid. I'm so stupid.
I always just expect things to go bad. In any situation, I end up feeling duped. So yeah, maybe I am going to just try to avoid the situation altogether...which is stupid. I just make islands.
It's under a lot of debris.

it's called being a good person.

So today, Saturday (it's Sunday now, whatever), Katherine, Arpita and myself did the whole annual volunteer bit with the Light the Night Walk in Camden. This year, we had a much better job, which was to man the refreshments tables. I ended up being the drink whore, and I was just constantly putting drinks in vats of ice. Carrying cases, ripping plastic, hands in ice...over and over and over. But it was fun in it's own right. The food and drinks were free, and people kept asking, "How much for...?" "Oh it's free." So I say to Katherine, "You know, we should have a donation bucket." And I handed her this little bucket that I was using for ice; she asked it if was cool, and the people in charge were all, "great!" and in the end, we ended up getting $310 in donations from the refreshment stand. That just fucking made us feel good...like we did our part for contributing to the continuation of cancer research.

It's good to be home now.

the definition of good.

I had something I wanted to say, but I guess I really don't know what I wanted to say. Actually, I do know what I want to say, but I don't know if it's appropriate to get all emo about it. I guess it's just something that played out its natural course. I just have to leave it where it fell. Fuck it. The theme song would have to be The Appleseed Cast's A Dream for Us.

So on a different note, I had fun last nite. Hanging out with new people is always cool.