the one she keeps inside.

Yeah, he's right: one of the best things about working there is that you can drink in the office during office hours.

So last nite after I took my shower, I came to the conclusion that I deserve better than what I've been giving myself for the past few years. I've been treating myself, and have been allowing others to treat me like a fucking ragdoll. And that's not what I am. I deserve better. No more self-degradation. It's time I start believing in myself. I'm so tired of it all. The bar has been lifted, once again. My standards are so high now that I don't even think it's feasible anymore.

I'm over it.

I just feel like a sad bastard again. My chemicals are all out of balance. Some days I feel like I don't know who I am. Some days I feel like I hate who I've become. I don't care anymore. I just want to be okay. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'll get through everything eventually...at least I'll try my best.

Eat that.

want to cuss and fight.

Yesterday, I went over to Katherine's, per usual, and I hadn't shovelled my car out of the snow since last week, so my car was pretty much in a fort of dirty, iced snow from the snow plows. Luckily, there was a funeral going on at the church across the street from the Trin, and luckily some brotha asked for a light, because he was at his uncle's funeral and was "achin' for a smoke." Me: "Yeah...I got a light. You wouldn't happen to have a snow shovel, would you?" In the end, dude had a shovel, and said he'd shovel me out for twenty bucks. I think about it. Yeah, there was no fucking way my car was going anywhere without a shovel...I tried. "Alright," I say. When he comes back with the shovel, he says,"Man, it's all ice...I'll do it for 30." "What?!" He shovels anyway, when I said, I had was twenty bucks, he said, "Man!...you just played me!" and he walked off with his shovel, and went back into the church. Ha. Anyway.
So, from about 6 p.m. until like 12:30 a.m., we hung out with Frank at his tattoo parlor. He still hasn't drawn my tattoo, but he's going to do it sometime this week, because now he has a better understanding of the style that I want it in. It's fun hanging out there. He's such a perv, and the characters that come by are total characters. This one dude...totally wanted to bang me. He was actually a cute dude, but unfortunately, he lost one of his front teeth skateboarding or some shit. It's the weirdest little world inside that place.

I totally love it when my iTunes is on shuffle for the entire library. It's the greatest thing when you finish listening to a song that you chose to hear, and iTunes will pick a song that's equally as good. In this particular case: I chose Jane's Addiction, and then iTunes chose The Kills. Too rad.

she is beautiful.

...why thank you, Andrew WK, I am aren't I?

Anyway. It's been a slowish week, but I'd have to say it's been my most inspiring...design wise. Fun stuff. Doing what you love to do pays off...ego wise.

There's actually nothing going on. I'm a total geek.

this is all that's left.

Give me what I deserve.
Or else just...
Just let me go.
I swear I'll leave quietly.

sinking much too low.

I can't believe I forgot to get medicine for my congested nose and sore throat, when that was my main errand that needed to be taken care of. Oh well, I'll just drink a ton of tea instead.
Surprisingly, I was highly productive on this Sabbath. I even managed to fix my broke down bed, which I've been meaning to do way back in July. Now, I can bang on it...I kid, I kid. I cleaned like mad. I like being domestic...I wouldn't make a good feminist.

tear thru space.

I went and got my haircut today before I went over to Katherine and Al's place. I dig it. It's all one length now, except for the swoopy bangs.
So Frank couldn't open his parlor because the town declared it a state of emergency due to the snow and business was to be shut down. So the tattoos are on hold until next weekend. I drove home in the blizzardy conditions, and all I have to say is: thank fucking jeeb I drive an Explorer. I was actually doing fishtails whenever I was on a road that had no other cars...so fun! I just wanted to plow through the snow at seventy miles per hour, but I kept it under forty.

So yeah, I'm snowed in. I don't have a snow shovel.

I always did like it when it first starts to snow. I like how the world just slows down, and all you hear is the snow. It's like being in a snow globe.

it's coming down.

I should probably stop smoking during this period of producing heinous phlegmy coughs...but I'm a retard.

Pirated DVDs are "friggin' sweet." I also have about 500+ mp3 files waiting on my computer at Machine for me to lift. iPods and firewire cables are the best.

I'm bored. And it's cold outside.

she started to holler...

...I didn't wanna!!
Screaming Fields of Sonic Love was/is such a great album.

I hate how all my black socks have a hole over my big toe. And the odd part is: I wear grey and navy socks just as much, but they never seem to get holes. What's up with that, black?
I can't wait to get paid tomorrow. I need to pay some bills and buy some food.

Saturday nite, I'm getting a tattoo. I'm totally stoked. I can't wait to see homeboy's drawing of my idea. I would've drawn it myself, and I was going to, but I couldn't find the reference photo that I stumbled across one day. But dude does this shit as a living, so I'll just trust his design. Of course, I have to see it first, but I'm sure it'll be radass.
I can't wait. I need to feel pain. Such a mini-masochist!

what it does.

(huge sigh). He makes me smile like mad. It's crazy. Drag.

must have lost her.

It's been a weird past few days at Machine. It's been a weird past few days in general.

So yesterday, I left at around three in the afternoon because there wasn't much going on. I'm walking home, and I'm on the corner of 3rd and Pine, and I really have to pee, so I'm just thinking to myself, "Three more blocks." This dude came up from behind me and asked for directions. I told him, and I realize a day later that I gave him the wrong directions: I was thinking of Broad St...oops. Anyway. He then proceeded to lay on the compliments, "You realize that you're very beautiful, right?...yakkittie yak...would you like to get a cup of coffee?" I told him that I was on my way home from work, and that I really had to pee. He said that I could use the restroom in the coffeeshop. In the end, I let the dude buy me a cup of coffee. Then as soon as I could get myself out of that situation, I hurried home and pissed like a race-horse.
It was all very flattering, but he's not really who I want.

don't get left behind.

While I was at Machine, I was sitting there thinking about whatever it is that my mind makes me think about. Along the way, I asked myself this: How do you get by being alone? My answer: the memories and tales of adventure, or what's left of them.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge I know now. I don't know what I'd do differently. I think I'd just change some conversations around. And if they left, I'd try to make them stay a little longer.

caught her doing it again.

Lately, I have this habit of taking a snapshot of my smile whenever I catch myself wearing one. I don't know why. So why was I smiling at around 8:30ish this evening? Answer: I'm not sure, really. I was just smiling. So I must've been thinking about something that was either pleasurable, or funny...or both.


I should just start using a link for this purpose.

in twenty sentences or less.

Weekend in a nutshell:

Friday: Machine; left early at around 2ish. Afternoon Comedy Central movies. Errands and domestic affairs. Lame evening.

Saturday: Afternoon Comedy Central movies. Domestic affairs. Ride to Jersey. Dinner for seven. Home with Sherman.

Sunday: Domestic affairs. Spaced out on North Broad. Target for extreme last minute christmas gift. Stood in line for about twenty minutes. Roasted a turkey. Domestic affairs. Watched Anchorman. Had pie. Spaced out going South. Killer parking. Home with Sherman.

everybody's talk 'n bout the stormy weather.

What? I don't quite get it. I always seem like I have some understanding, but
really, I'm just bullshitting. Wing that, motherfucker. What?
I have no idea how I want to spend this evening. It's First Friday. I'm not really
down with dealing with the intoxicating art scene. It's not really my thing. I shall
pass on that, thanks though.
So I've decided that this year...I've decided that I am in fact "exactly where I'm
at." Ween reference number one; that's got to mean something to someone. I just want to get through another year. That's all, man, just let me do this. I
don't care about anything right now; I don't give a shit about what's going on in
the world. All I care to know is what I choose to know. If that makes me a bad
person, then so be it. "...this is indeed a tender situation."
I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to care anymore. I'm totally content. Right
now I'm just completely comfortable with myself. As long as I get by: I'm fine. So I'm just gonna be a complete jerk, which essentially is what I alway was and am. Dirtrag, I know.

Yeah, let's go scream our lungs out now.

...pretty sure she did.

Not that anyone cares to know this, much less needs to know, is how I'm completely antsy. My whole body is jittery. It's like: bang me, mister.
No one? Anyway.
Turns out that I'm broke. Shit bounced all over the place. I completely forgot to stop by my bank account in Louisiana. I'm such an idiot because now, calling them is worse than going there in person. Too many security precautions are involved over phone lines. My rent's late. I still got another week or so for my electric, which isn't much, but I still don't have it. Insuffient funds for electronic transfer bills, including car insurance.
Weak sauce.
But at least through it all, I still enjoy going to iShip.

I guess I'll just come clean with myself here. So, I forgot how much I loved to get high. Oh sweet, sweet Mary Jane.
This is the song I think of:

I'm thinking of a number between everything and two
she said you can find a space between my arms if you will stay
like if we ignore the system they'll just blink out and quickly
go away
she said I'll keep all the signals that you send home to me
and I'll meet you back here on the ground
it's lift off, lift off again
she's pissed off, pissed off again
moonlight brings me back again to stay
and I know if she had a way I'd always be through
tethered to a glass ring she keeps beside the phone
and never ever stepping out into
blankness and darkness, like underneath a leaf, have settled on
me here and
scraped away the sound
she said you can find a place inside my heart if you can stay
and I need you back here on the ground
it's lift off, lift off again
she's pissed off, pissed off again
moonlight brings me back again to stay
and I know if she had a way I'd always be through
tethered to a glass ring she keeps beside the phone
and never ever stepping out into
I'm thinking of a number between everything and two
moonlight brings me back again to stay
and I know if she had a way I'd always be through
tethered to a glass ring she keeps beside the phone
and never ever stepping out into
moonlight brings me back again this day
and I don't feel a thing here anymore
strings of information slowing to a stop
the tether's end is slipping from its knot
I'm stretching out in two
I'm thinking of a number between everything and two
and it's molecules of you.


...best band of the mid-to-late nineties ever. Nerd du jour.

did she say dirty pussy?

Shall I tell you of my drive?...of my New Year's? Why the hell not.
Wednesday I dropped Billie off at the airport in New Orleans at around 1:30ish. From there, I only got as far as York, Alabama. Some seedy trucker motel. Checked out at around 11ish. I drove to Warrior and got to Rusty and D's at around 1ish. Had a toast, then got as far as the southern outskirts of Chattanooga. In the morning, I found out the landscape was the beginnings of the mountain range. It was lovely. Had my free donut and coffee, and chatted with some 8 or 9 year old little kid. He got a guitar for christmas. Whoa. Me too. I'm truckin'. Called Katherine back at a rest area, no way in hell I'd be back for the eve. Stopped in Staunton, VA because I didn't want to be one of those sober, tired drivers who gets killed by a drunk. Made phone calls, watched the fireworks on cnn. Slept. Hello Philadelphia.
So my only resolution was to clean and rearrange my apartment, because hey, my place is, no, was just as cluttered as my parents' house. Two nights later: it looks ten times better, and feels more like home. I even cleaned that filthy basement. And as it turns out, if they would've swept down there before I moved in, I'd have known that there is a cement floor.
Back to the iShip tomorrow.