but this is history.

I was having this really realer than real dream this morning, and I don't even remember it, but it was sort of telling me that I had something to do when I finally woke up. And when I did wake up, I couldn't remember what I was doing in the dream, but I said to myself, "I'm supposed to do something today...what the hell is it again?" I'd say about ten minutes later, I remembered I had an interview for the hostess gig.
So how'd that go? I'm just going to have to say that it went as well as it could possibly have gone. I won't know for about another week if I got it or not. It'd be sweet if I did get the job, cause I sho could use a paycheck.

Felicia's back in town for school...cool.

My landlord is in town...thank god I wasn't here when he stopped by. Okay, actually, I was, but I was in the shower, and I sure as hell didn't feel like making small talk. All soaking wet. Hot.

the internal relations of a crab.

I'm such a hypocrite. One day I'm fine with everything, and the next day, I'm sick of everything and want it all to change.
It's so hard for me to make change happen. I try, god knows I fucking try. But it turns out that it's never good enough, and everyone tells me that I'm not trying hard enough. And how would they know? I don't think they realize that I'm trying my damnedest to make myself happy and to make myself better. They don't care.
So yeah, I'm being selfish. And of course I'm not answering my phone, and yeah, I'm usually pretty sorry when I do decide to answer it. Fuck off, none of you really want to talk to me, and I really don't want to listen. I hate being used. And if this makes me a bad person, well then, so it goes.

I'll be a hermit. Live alone. Love alone. Die alone.

I love you, but I hate you all.


What a crappy morning.

without mercy.

I called Billie less than an hour ago, because hey, I got free long distance and because she always gets pissed at the fact that I never call her. She told me about how she quit her job last week, and how she pulled one of those classic, "I quit" moves. I'm always down with talking to my sister, cause she doesn't make me feel like a douche when it comes to the decisions that I've made.

yeah thanks, totally.

...ah, she fucking knows how make me feel like a complete douche. Thanks, cause you know, I totally love being reminded that I'm a complete fuckup. And I absolutely hate that she's sometimes right.

we sold our love here.

So, earlier in the afternoon, my phone rings, and it's a number that I don't recognize. I decided for once, I'd answer my phone. Whoa, it was Rusty. I haven't heard from his ass in months. So, it turns out, he and D. bailed on their lease in New Orleans and are now living outside of Birmingham, AL. It seems like they've got a nice life out there, living in a sleepy town. I'm happy for them, and I'm glad all is well.

I feel bad about not hanging out with Alison today. Weekends make me bitter. That's all.

Whenever I watch World Trekker, I always get angry with myself. Angry in the sense that I know I could be doing something better. I've always just wandered around in life, and I've never really settled for anything. For once, I just wish that I could do something...just do something better than this. I don't even know what I'm talking about; I just know that there's something out there for me. And sometimes, I get the feeling that people know more than I do about what this something that I should be doing is...and it just makes me feel like nothing. Like somewhere along the way, I lost any sense of direction I had. Sometimes, I can't breathe when I think about my future, even if I'm just trying to plan my weekend. It's like the feeling you get when someone dies, and when you inhale, air is being sucked through this void that spans my entire chest and heart, and it just hurts. I wasn't even supposed to be here...my mom said that her doctors were sure that I had a slim chance of being born alive. They wanted to terminate me. My heart stopped beating for a brief stint. I think this is why I can't see myself anywhere in the future, because I defied the plan. Sometimes it feels like I'm just being accommodated in life...almost as if I don't really exist. It's like I'm here, but no one seems to notice or hear me. I know that I should be thankful that I've gotten a chance to live, and that I'm just being bogus, and that I do indeed exist, but I don't know, nothing really seems right. But the void and pain and lack of clarity, definitely exists. And I don't know how to make it ever go away, other than stop what I'm doing and concentrate on breathing until it's bearable.
I'm tired of being accommodated. And I hate that I'm not really living.

pop rocks kill.

For the past week or so, I've been waking up early in the a.m. and when I look at my clock, it's always 5:21. Normally, I just continue to lay there until I fall back asleep. I decided I'd get up this morning...mainly because my stomach was totally empty and punching me for something to eat or drink. It's okay, I need to be up anyway, because I blew off all of my errands yesterday for the sake of being manhandled...although that wasn't my original intent, but you know, it was a nice bonus.
Shit my stomach still has that morning sickness queasiness...not cool. I should probably go back to bed for an hour or so...or not.

pop rocks kill...part zwei.

...yeah, so I went back to sleep. But I got up around 10 to take care of my business.

More paperwork...still no PA tags.

So my original purpose for this was to remind myself of something that made me smile. This is it: I was driving home today and this garbage truck was blocking both lanes on N.Broad, so anyone wanting/needing to get by had to do this s-swerve around a parked car in the median and the garbage truck. What made me smile was the truck itself, because there were stuffed animals hanging all over it...animals that I'm sure were salvaged from the trash. And I don't know, seeing Big Bird, and a whole slew of characters just made me smile. It was like this display of the salvation of innocence. It just made me smile...and I wanted to remember that.

don't hate the player.

Today I went to see about getting insurance with State Farm...and yeah, I don't think that's gonna fly, cause I'd have to turn tricks to make those kind of payments. But anyway, the office was in South Philly...go figure. So of course, some dude had to "holla at that" while I was walking by. Normally, I try to make these holla-at-ya's real nice and short. Today for some reason, I decided I'd stand around and talk to the brotha. The usual questions that I always get were asked, like what's your name, and you got a boyfriend? And when I said that I didn't, he was like, "what?! what's wrong with those dudes?!" <-(pronounced: dooodes.) I went off on one of those, "man, beats me" rants. Then dooode goes on and says that I'm the type of woman who deserves to be treated good with plenty of attention, and as he was saying this, he was just looking me up and down with that I wanna fuck you look in his eyes...which made me feel a little gross. The conversation drifted on about his job at Jefferson, where we live, where I went to school, insurance and car inspections, about what I'd most likely end up paying for insurance, about where I could get some hot inspection stickers in North Philly, and somewhere in there he threw in the fact that he drives a Benz, and all the while, he still had that look in his eyes. And then I said I should get going, nice talking. Yeah, I totally forgot his number, cause my short term memory doesn't really work that well anymore. If he was smart, he would've asked for my number...not that I really give it out. Hate the game.
On my way home, I saw my real estate agent drive by on 6th St. in his Range Rover, so I waved to Dave.

The bad part about living at the Trin: on a day like today when it's a little windy, the smell of cheesesteak lingers in through the windows...I think it's coming from Jim's, cause it's just around the way. It makes me ache for a steak.

going the distance.

...yeah, I really want to rip off some heads. Fuck the dmv. Yeah, that's right Penndot, eat it.

the only important list...ever.

I was sitting around as usual, and I was just thinking about my life, and I've concluded that there's a handful events and a few random facts that really made me appreciate who I am, and how I turned out. These are them, in no particular order:

1.) Devil's Lake: an incident that occurred when I was probably only four or five years old. Long story short: neighborhood bicycle gang, waterfall, bridge,falling bike, dead bodies, pedaling home as fast as we could for our lives.

2.)Driver's Education with Lob Dob Bob, the Instructor: I took driver's ed really late,like when I was seventeen with my friend Brit. His mom knew Lob Dob personally, and Dob knew me, because he was the assistant principle at the first high school I went to. Brit got me stoned for the then second time in my life. That day, after our break, we watched one of those Faces of Highway Death videos...we laughed throughout the entire thing...everyone turned and looked at us sitting at the back table and glared in disgust. Brit and I got the very first driving hours thanks to his mom, which would take us two days to complete...I only had to do one day, because I was that good.

3.) Getting Chased in the Woods: Roxanne and I took Rusty to the spillway in Woodworth, LA. Rusty tried getting high for the first time in his life with us. We got high. Head lights came from the dirt road. Rednecks were yelling at us. "Is that a fucking gun rack?!" We walked calmly back to my car, Rusty panicked, and slipped in this huge puddle of mud. We threw him in the cargo area of the explorer and I drove off. The truck followed us down tiny dirt roads for miles, totally fucking with us. Rusty was scared. I was stoned. Roxanne was laughing.

4.) Spending the Night in Jail: Yeah, I spent a few morning hours in jail...this was last December. I was pissed.

5.)Going to Court for Spending the Night in Jail: This was in like, March. I was still pissed. It was so stupid, like a bogus Judge Judy episode. I ended up paying nearly one grand in fines.

6.) Austin, Texas 1999: I went to visit my sister, Billie in Austin shortly after she moved there. One night, I got to see Pavement,who managed to rock my pants off. Another night, I took in the most monstrous bong hit in history...when I exhaled, it was like an atom bomb went off.

7.) Crystal Meth Party: Summer of 2000, I realized why I'll never do crystal ever again.And I was glad I was leaving the state, and those people.

8.) Going to the Muthaland: I went to Thailand with my mom and Billie the summer after my high school freshman year. It was beautiful. The food was superb. I met my mother's family. Billie and I couldn't speak a word of Thai, but we got by. It really made me realize that being half asian is something worth embracing.

9.) The Day We Got Ben: Ben is my dog, who's half chow chow. I was in the fifth grade, and when we got home from school, there was a note on the table telling us there was a dog in the bathroom. Opening that door rocked. He's the smartest dog in the world, and if I didn't have him growing up, I'd have turned out to be one lonely bitch. He's getting old, but he's still young at heart.

10.) Presenting in Front of My Entire High School: Senior year, I was an editor of my school's literary magazine, and at the end of the year we gave out awards for writing and art. Yeah, I had to read and present in front of all those kids. I was stoned and I took a muscle relaxer, but I nailed that shit and annunciated like mad. I threw up in the bathroom after all was said and done.

11.) Meeting Joseph: Joe made me realize that not all guys are complete jerks when it comes to hanging/making out.

12.) The Grand Canyon: So getting dehydrated and running out of water in the middle of hiking the Grand Canyon is definitely not cool. I was delirious. It was so beautiful in the extreme a.m. hours...by the end of the day, Rusty and I said,"Man,fuck the Grand Canyon." By sunset, we made it to Four Corners, and took awesomely fun photos.

13.) Portland, Oregon Spring Break 2002: I went on my break to visit Billie, who was moving. I landed there three days before she showed up with a truckload of her shit. Traveling and touring a city alone helped me be more independent. I also had my first ever sexual experience with a hot rock climber at the hostel...and from that I learned that an innocent back massage definitely isn't meant to be innocent.

14.)Portland, Oregon Summer 2002: I think it was 2002...I don't remember. It was mine and Rusty's third summer road trip. We went from New Orleans to California. It was the best. I had an awesome birthday in Phoenix. We were big ballers in San Francisco. We did the touristy stuff all along the way. We had two ounces of weed, a handful of muscle relaxers, a cooler full of beer, and thai herb plants in the back for Billie. Rusty and I were buzzed every day and nite. We lost the muscle relaxers the nite of my birthday, and afterward we were complete bitches from coming down off of them...we just drank and smoked more. We were broke after San Fran, and just about all out of weed. We drove to Portland. We got drunk every nite with Billie and her friends. When her scrubby dude showed up with the weed, we took off like madmen into the nite. We drove thru the gorge, and ended up in Idaho. Billie was pissed that we bailed. From this trip, I realized that I was an asshole.

15.) Christmas, 2003: I finally stopped hiding frommy parents that I smoked cigarettes. My parents were really cool that Christmas, because for the first time in forever, all three of their daughters were home at the same time. We all drank Jack Daniel's with my dad...even Rusty came over to drink when his family got heinous.

16.) Losing Weight: Yeah, my weight goes up and down, and whenever it's down, I always feel stellar about everything.

17.) Philadelphia: Going to school and deciding to stay afterward was probably the best mistake I've ever made.

18.) Not Getting High: You know, as fun as it is, and as alive as it's kept me, I've decided that I'm getting too old for it. I'm sure I wouldn't pass up a hit if someone offered, but for now, I'm staying clean. I don't remember too much of the past 8 years of my life. I want to have memories and fun that don't require me to be baked.

19.) Losing my Virginity at 21: Yeah,that was in like December. It was dumb. I hated myself for months afterward. He was a skeeze. But for some odd reason, I felt I had to do it, because at that point in my life I was going through some bad shit and I felt that I was going to die...and I didn't want to leave my life without ever having sex. Obviously, I'm still alive...and as much as I regret it, I really don't. But from that experience, I've realized that I really don't want to ever have sex again unless a.) the dude actually cares about me, or b.) the dude cares enough to sleep next to me even if I never saw him again after the act, because it'd give me the sense that he actually cared.

20.) Pirates and Sailors: They make me smile...arrrrgh!

21.) Laughing and Nearly Pissing Myself: Every now and then, someone has the ability to make me laugh so hard that I have to pee. I love the people who have that power. Last time this happened, I was with Katherine in her car...she was just randomly honking and yelling at people. It was hilarious to us. Silly...but classic. Shit like that keeps me young in a good way.

22.) Menthol to Regular: Dude,I never really realized that I was killing myself with menthol cigarettes. I love me some Camel Menthols, but them bitches is way too harsh. This switch was like,two months ago. I'll have to credit Anthony for keeping me alive a little longer.

23.) Masturbation: For real, I discovered masturbation in kindergarten...and I haven't stopped since.

24.) The Library:(no library in particular) I spent almost all of my high school and a good portion of my college years in the library. I love to read because it takes me to worlds that I sometimes wish I could live in, and introduces me to people that I wish I could meet, or be. The library kept me sane...sheltered, but sane.

25.) Pin Oak Nursery: The family business. I had to work my ass off my entire childhood. My mother worked us to the point of no social life whatsoever. When I was younger, I hated it, but I didn't mind it. I now have this insane appreciation for plants, and a green thumb. Plants gave me and my family everything that we have. Too bad it made me anti-social.

....yeah, I think I turned out alright.

today's black shirt day.

About a week ago, I was spacing out in my bedroom one nite watching Style network. I don't remember the name of the show, but there was a segment on how to get the perfect ass in three simple moves. So me being the total bum with nothing much to ever do, decided that I could get the perfect ass. And now, after a week of doing those moves, I can see and feel a slight difference, which is suh-wheat! because I would totally love to have a nice pirate treasure.

There's something about this shirt that makes me feel like everything is going to be alright.

Later today, I think I'm going to drag Alison to go see Garden State. She's willing to view my pick. Almost everyone hates it when I pick the movies we see. They normally feel like they wasted their time and money, and I normally say, "I liked it."

have you considered going asexual?

I'm starting to not like walking down the streets, yo. Because as ego-boosting as the cat calling is, I honestly hate the feeling of knowing that I exist in the eyes of others. I used to never exist, and now it feels totally wrong for me to. It makes me meekly smile at first, but afterward, I just seethe with contempt for about a minute or three...and then I'm over it.

Alison came and saw me yesterday. It was the first time I've seen her in nearly a year. She rocks. Someone who takes their time to come visit and takes you out to eat is classified as Stellar. I like her new philosophy on significant others, "Dude, I've basically just sworn off everyone...I don't need anyone." She might hang out again on either Thursday or Friday...which is cool, because I sure don't have any friends that are willing to hang out in the city...or in general.

Yeah, so I didn't go to Sonic Youth. No one wanted to go with me.

I wish I had one of those friends that I could call at any hour of the day or night, and who, at the drop of a hat, would say, "I'm down" at any request I make. I guess they just don't make them like that anymore.

Here's my totally random thoughts from the past couple of hours: I'm chemically imbalanced. I haven't gotten stoned in nearly eight months. If I smoked a bowl, I bet I'd be happy for about a week. I should eat more chocolate for the serotonin. -fin.

I need to get insurance. That makes me crabby.

it will clearly be admitted.

I stood this guy up for the second time on Saturday. I feel awful about it. It totally figures that the one weekend where I sort of have plans with someone new, people that I haven't seen since Halloween come out of the woodworks to host a little shindig in South Jersey...gross. Oh well. Maybe I'll get to hang out with the dude one of these days. If not, it's cool too.
I ended up drinking a few too many beers, but you know me: I can't pass up free drinks. Thank god we left after my eighth bottle, cause after six I can feel the alcohol in my veins, and normally if I have more than eight, I start getting sloppy, and then like Modest Mouse would say, opinions are like kittens.
I also ended up loopily text messaging Anthony, saying that I missed him...but I really do miss his company and his ability to genuinely make me smile, so there. Whatever. Fuck it. Maybe I should go whore myself out to randoms, or at least stop standing them up.

Anyway, before all that junk happened, Katherine and I were waiting for Arpita at some arcade in Jersey, and I had a blast. Katherine was playing this totally lame shooting game, that she sucked at, so she handed the gun to me, and damn was I good at killing people with one shot. I kept having to say, "Gimme another quarter!" so I could continue my game. I wasted all the quarters on that game...I had a high score though. It reminded me of those days when my mom would drop us off at the casino arcade, and how we'd be stuck there for hours and hours because kids couldn't leave without an adult...yeah, and my mom, she fucking loves to gamble, dude. And I'd always go to school tired and with tokens in my jacket pocket, and then me and some of my little dude friends (yes, I was a total tomboy...still am, actually) discovered that the if you put a token in the school's vending machine and hit coin return, you'd get a dollar in quarters back. Yeah, that rocked. It was fun being a kid.

I want to go see Sonic Youth play tomorrow. I don't have any money...and I don't really like going to venues alone, because I hate skeezey characters, and if I go with someone else, there's a 100% chance that I won't go home with one of those characters.

that I can't afford.

I found out that the internship is unpaid. Bogus. Thanks for the lead, but I can't afford to not get paid. I'm really starting to feel like I'm wasting my days away. Even though I make attempts to get employed by filling out applications and sending out resumes, I just feel like I'm getting nowhere...and sadly, maybe my mother was right when she told me that I'll never be able to work for anyone. Okay, I don't want to believe that. She's just a tyrant who'd prefer if I worked for her.
I'm lonely again. I can't smile right now. I wish I could talk to a friend. I don't have any minutes on my crappy phone. Actually, I wish I had friends. Not including my two sisters, I can actually count all my friends on one hand...okay, maybe both hands, but I definitely don't have more than eight. And I really only get to see Katherine and Felicia.
God, I feel like such a douche.

oh, sway.

I had to go to the post office on 9th and Dickinson this morning. Well, I didn't have to go, I needed to go...okay, maybe a little bit of both. But anyway, I didn't realize how far away that was. I wasn't expecting to cross Washington and be all up in south philly. Whatever, I needed the exercise anyway, although I was seriously considering buying a cheesesteak, but it was like ten in the morning, so I passed on the thought. While I was walking there, some dude was all, "morning sexy" I just smiled and said mornin' right back, and then he said, "yeah, you know you sexy, look at you, ughnn sway." I laughed and said, "thanks" as I carried on with my business. It made me smile down a few more blocks.

I was driving home yesterday, and sometimes I seriously don't know how I got my license. I mean, I'm actually a great driver and all, but yeah sometimes, I just kinda space out and I seriously don't know how I manage to get from point A to B. It's weird. I told Katherine and Felicia, "sorry, sometimes I don't pay attention when I drive" last week when I apparently scared the shit out of them...I obviously wasn't phased because I don't even remember what I did to scare them. It's really creepy when I start out on Kelly Drive at Midvale and somehow I end up in Center City without sideswiping cars, cause I love the left lane, and I hate breaking on curves. I guess the only way I manage is because my brain knows the route even if I'm not all there.

Yeah. I have to write a shitload of cover letters. It totally sucks that I don't believe in a generic cover letter to accompany my resume, cause I'd be done yesterday if I didn't take the time to personalize each one. But I figure that if I were the person getting the letter, I'd like to be able to get a sense of the person who wrote it simply by reading it...and so that's what I do, humourously but seriously.

street legal.

Sweet. Got a temporary parking permit today. It's better than not having one at all. I'm almost done with the whole becoming a legit PA resident...but not quite.

she dreams in technicolor.

Somewhere in Colorado, there's this lake on a mountain that me and Rusty stopped at four years ago when we were on our way to Denver. We just pulled off the slow winding road. He was making a phone call to Denver at the car, and I descended down the grassy hill to try to reach the brilliant blue water. I remember the sky in Colorado that day was almost the same sapphire blue as the water. The clouds were massive white puffs. It was the middle of summer, but the air was cool and the oxygen was so fresh you couldn't help but smile. I was wearing a skirt that day, and my hair was long then, and the gentle winds made both the fabric and my hair dance around my body. I jumped from rock to rock, stopping every now and then to observe a flower. I looked back once and the road and the car and Rusty disappeared with the height; all I saw was grass and sky above me. I stood there on a huge flat rock, still far from ever reaching the edge of the lake. I squatted, and hugged my knees and just watched the colors around me. I could only hear the sounds of the colors as I squinted against the sunlight. Sometimes, I dream about that lake. I can still hear the sounds, remember the colors and feel the air. Sometimes I daydream about that lake and sometimes, I find myself crying when I do think about that lake. I don't know why.
Sometimes I have this reoccurring dream where I find someone on the flat rock sitting and watching the colors. It's always a guy, and sometimes I see a face and sometimes I don't. I feel and hear the wind as I make my way toward that person. I see my lips moving as I say something when I get closer, but I hear no words. The person gets up and turns to me and smiles and then returns words to me...words that I can't hear. I usually see myself smile before I feel his fingers touch my hand. And then always, he turns to walk away. I can always read my lips saying, "wait" and he turns back around as I say nothing else. I feel his lips on mine, and then I watch him walk down to the water. I usually wake right up after that moment. And as always, I bring my hand to my lips because it feels that real.

her smile says it all.

Everybody rags on me because I've never been romantically involved with anyone. Katherine's little sister, who by the way is eight years old, ragged on me all last Thursday and Friday about possibly dating Katherine's new neighbor, who by the way I've only seen once and totally don't remember his face or finding myself attracted to him. Who knows, maybe he is decent...but I certainly don't remember because we were moving her into the house, and I was hot and sweaty and dehydrated and totally not interested in thinking about dudes.
And you know what, as much as I'd love to experience being linked to someone on a lover's level, I'm not as worried about it as others are. My mother is totally freaked out at the fact that I've never been with anyone and for all she knows, I'm still a virgin. At one point, my parents were convinced that I was a lesbian, and I'm sure they still wouldn't be surprised if I brought home a girl and said, "yeah, so this is my partner and we're in love." I think they're just worried that they might never make it long enough to see their youngest daughter complete with that I'm-so-in-love glow.
I'm actually kind of tired of looking around for a dude, and I'm definitely tired of my friends saying "that guy's cute." Yeah, so? They're all engaged and moving in with their partners now, and I haven't even started. I understand that they worry about my loneliness, but pressuring me to scope out guys just makes me feel like an invalid. And there's really no point in their "we need to find you a dude" excursions, because guys never approach a girl who's in a pack. And frankly, when I'm out with the girls, I'm more interested in hanging out and being in the company of them. I love them, but I don't like when they try to cure my singledom.
At this point, I'm just so used to being by myself, and sure, it's sucky at times, but I can live with it...I've done so thus far. So maybe they're all right: I just don't make an effort. But is it so wrong to believe that you can't force yourself to find love? Is it so wrong to believe that one day you'll just stumble upon the right person while you're at the grocery store, or walking down the street?
I'm so over the skeezy dating and awkward conversation and silence scene; not that I've really done much of it, but more than enough to know that I'm over it. Going on a date is such a farce: you get totally babed out, have bogus conversation about yourself so you can get sized up, and then that's it. In reality, I'm never really babed out that much if ever, and I never really talk about myself that much. I actually have more fun when I go out with someone when my hair's so haggard ass that it's tied up and I'm hardly wearing makeup if any, and I'm wearing some gross ass jeans that need to be washed, and we're having the most absurd, silly conversation in the world...because that's me, and because being a babe isn't. This is why I don't listen to my friends about my looks and my topics of conversation, because putting on that farce only lands me a sleazy time. I'd much rather walk away with the possibility of having at least a cool new friend, as opposed to someone you'll never talk to, and hope to god you never run into again.
If anyone were to ever fall in love with me, they'd fall in love with the haggard me...which is often.

So they can all rag on me...but, I won't change, I'll still believe that laughter is more attractive than some outfit.

cold nights make her curl.

I heard from my father this past weekend. He's recovering from his surgery in June nicely...slowly, and steadily. I'm glad he's still around. I probably would've dropped everything that I do/don't have going on and moved back in with my mom if things had gone sour...I would've hated it...I would've gone back to abusing drugs. I'm glad he's alright.

Liz moved on Friday. I'm also glad about that. As much as I hate Houston, I'm just happy that she finally moved out of that busted ass college town in northern Louisiana that she's been living in for probably the past six years. I'll have to remember to call her one of these days.

The weather has been nice and cool. I was freezing in my sleep Friday night. I actually woke up as usual at around seven a.m. and I got up like I was going to get up, but after I came back upstairs, I unpacked the blankets from my closet and crawled back in bed. For once, it's not swamp ass hot in the Trin. It's quite brisk...I need some extra body heat even with the extra blankets. But extra body heat means I'd need a second person...and yeah, that's not really happening for me. I have man plague.
Oh, so when I finally dragged my ass out of bed at around one p.m. I went downstairs to attempt to hang up some curtains, in which I failed miserably because I don't have a drill bit and apparently just trying to screw in some screws without a starter hole is impossible when you're reaching over your head...but anyway, my point is: I noticed it was a lot brighter than usual downstairs, and I was noticing that the neighbor's little patio area seemed different. Wasn't there a tree there? I go upstairs and on the roof to have a smoke and yeah, there was a tree there. I was a little sad about that. Hopefully, it went down for a reason and not just because someone wanted it down. I'll never know. And the curtains are still on the floor.

So the Trin has mice. I set a trap a few days ago, and I left and came back and it was set off, but no dice on the mouse. I was sitting on my bed and a little visitor came up the stairs and was just running around my room as I'm like, "ew, go back down in the kitchen." And at the same time, I'm like, "aw, he's so tiny." Cute little guy...too bad I'm gonna have to snap his neck...and his family's.

the world moves fast when you're standing still.

Wow, we just got back from the zoo not that long ago. It was fun in its own right. It was free...not paying for stuff is rad. I was a little disappointed in the animals: they were all bummed out looking, or sleeping. But then again, if the human race was wiping out my natural habitat and if I were living in captivity and had to entertain millions of kids like a circus freak, I'd look dead to the world too.
I noticed that I'm not so mean to children anymore...granted, I did have to knock a few bastards out of my way and say, "you little jerk" a few times, but other than that, I'm alot calmer toward them.
My day isn't over yet: going to Jersey with Katherine to drop her sister off, and then we're going with her family out to dinner to celebrate Alfred's birthday. Then we drive back, then I'm finally done stalling, and I'll park my car in the garage for the cheap weekend rate and then I'll sleep in my own bed at the Trin...mmm, sounds delicious.

I feel like I could being doing so much more with my life. I'm sure everyone feels this way, but for some odd reason, I don't feel bad about wasting my days and life away. In my eyes, I'm not wasting my life, but everyone, as well as my checking account keeps telling me that I'm a worthless bum. I say no. I say that I should do whatever keeps me happy. And right now, I'm happy...doing nothing. I've worked hard my entire life, and I've worked hard all through school...I graduated didn't I, isn't that enough? I could've given up. I could've continued getting high every morning and bumming out, but I didn't. So leave me alone...I'll get by. I always do.

stalling idly by.

So the PPA has to be located in a part of Philly that I can't stand going to...fucking 30th Street. Okay, 31st St. but you know what I mean. Talk about heinous parking and traffic situations. And yeah, I have to go back there because like a complete ass, I forgot my proof of address...ugh.
I find myself stalling alot lately. I haven't really hung out in Center City for the past few days, (even though I live there) because I can't afford to leave my car parked on the street, and I can't afford a parking garage. I now wish that I didn't own a car. So instead, I run errands around the burbs, or go hang out with friends...and then I'll go back to the Trin when the street parking isn't regulated. At least I've learned one thing from all this parking shit: I'm a damn good parellel parker, especially for someone who never did it until about a week or so ago. Yeah, I just S-swoop in those spots, and I feel rad about myself when I find and land a sweet spot. Nerdy?...yes, I know.
I volunteered with Habitat for Humanity yesterday to avoid the parking ticket. I ruined my cowboy jeans, but whatever, I hardly wear them anyway...and I guess they got ruined for a good cause. It's depressing to be in North Philly...it's just this disintegrated area. It reminds me Detroit after the factories closed down. I don't know, it's just depressing to see dilapidated buildings, and from their structure and features, knowing how they once looked in their heyday...and knowing that it could happen to any neighborhood. It's all a part of history and evolution, but it's still fucking depressing.
I think today I'm just hanging out with Katherine since she's on vacation this week. And toworrow, we're supposed to go to some lake in Jersey, but I think it's supposed to rain again tomorrow...we'll see. And I think we're supposed to take her little sister to the zoo...which I'm kind of excited about, because in the four+ years I've lived in the greater philadelphia area, I've never gone to the zoo. I love that feeling of being a kid and the immortalness of it.
I still need a job...like madcore. I need to get on that shit asap. Oh, and I need to get laid...or at least have a hot heavy petting makeoutathon, cause I'm jonesin.

she's a jew.

Yeah, so I still don't have the internet at the Trin. And I realize now that I'm addicted to email...I go crazy if I don't check my email, man. Although, nobody loves me lately, so my inbox is pretty bogus, but still.
I need a job hardcore. Been looking for a part-timer, but I seriously dread it. It sucks that the graphic design biz is lacking postions. Oh well. I just applied to The Gap. Lame?...I know. I guess the only pros to working there would be a.) paycheck, and b.)employee discount for a preppy wardrobe...I could use some new shirts.
I need some cash. Getting a parking ticket every other day is killing my bank roll. I need a parking permit...I need a Pennsylvania license plate.

Felicia's outside waiting for me.