we sold our love here.
So, earlier in the afternoon, my phone rings, and it's a number that I don't recognize. I decided for once, I'd answer my phone. Whoa, it was Rusty. I haven't heard from his ass in months. So, it turns out, he and D. bailed on their lease in New Orleans and are now living outside of Birmingham, AL. It seems like they've got a nice life out there, living in a sleepy town. I'm happy for them, and I'm glad all is well.
I feel bad about not hanging out with Alison today. Weekends make me bitter. That's all.
Whenever I watch World Trekker, I always get angry with myself. Angry in the sense that I know I could be doing something better. I've always just wandered around in life, and I've never really settled for anything. For once, I just wish that I could do something...just do something better than this. I don't even know what I'm talking about; I just know that there's something out there for me. And sometimes, I get the feeling that people know more than I do about what this something that I should be doing is...and it just makes me feel like nothing. Like somewhere along the way, I lost any sense of direction I had. Sometimes, I can't breathe when I think about my future, even if I'm just trying to plan my weekend. It's like the feeling you get when someone dies, and when you inhale, air is being sucked through this void that spans my entire chest and heart, and it just hurts. I wasn't even supposed to be here...my mom said that her doctors were sure that I had a slim chance of being born alive. They wanted to terminate me. My heart stopped beating for a brief stint. I think this is why I can't see myself anywhere in the future, because I defied the plan. Sometimes it feels like I'm just being accommodated in life...almost as if I don't really exist. It's like I'm here, but no one seems to notice or hear me. I know that I should be thankful that I've gotten a chance to live, and that I'm just being bogus, and that I do indeed exist, but I don't know, nothing really seems right. But the void and pain and lack of clarity, definitely exists. And I don't know how to make it ever go away, other than stop what I'm doing and concentrate on breathing until it's bearable.
I'm tired of being accommodated. And I hate that I'm not really living.
I feel bad about not hanging out with Alison today. Weekends make me bitter. That's all.
Whenever I watch World Trekker, I always get angry with myself. Angry in the sense that I know I could be doing something better. I've always just wandered around in life, and I've never really settled for anything. For once, I just wish that I could do something...just do something better than this. I don't even know what I'm talking about; I just know that there's something out there for me. And sometimes, I get the feeling that people know more than I do about what this something that I should be doing is...and it just makes me feel like nothing. Like somewhere along the way, I lost any sense of direction I had. Sometimes, I can't breathe when I think about my future, even if I'm just trying to plan my weekend. It's like the feeling you get when someone dies, and when you inhale, air is being sucked through this void that spans my entire chest and heart, and it just hurts. I wasn't even supposed to be here...my mom said that her doctors were sure that I had a slim chance of being born alive. They wanted to terminate me. My heart stopped beating for a brief stint. I think this is why I can't see myself anywhere in the future, because I defied the plan. Sometimes it feels like I'm just being accommodated in life...almost as if I don't really exist. It's like I'm here, but no one seems to notice or hear me. I know that I should be thankful that I've gotten a chance to live, and that I'm just being bogus, and that I do indeed exist, but I don't know, nothing really seems right. But the void and pain and lack of clarity, definitely exists. And I don't know how to make it ever go away, other than stop what I'm doing and concentrate on breathing until it's bearable.
I'm tired of being accommodated. And I hate that I'm not really living.
1 Comments:
as well you should feel bad! XD
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