it was in the works, but this is it.

Yeah, my spirits are much fluttery today. It was just one of those sunny days where you wake to the light filtering thru the curtains. And then you just kind of smirk to yourself.
It was actually a good day. Billie, Liz and myself cleaned what was the last bit of house cleaning that we could offer during our time here. It's actually a good thing that this place is being renovated, because we're throwing out all the shit that's contributing to dust allergies.
After the truckload was dumped at the Salvation Army , we went and had sushi at the Wok, and said goodbye to our mom's friend. We're going to Houston tomorrow.

it's almost criminal.

This actually needs a disclaimer: all material written here is how I feel.

So, I've come home to my parents' house to find out this, my childhood home, is no longer the home that I once knew. My parents are in the process of renovating the house. It looks good, but it's not what was comfortable. The shitty shag is now hardwood. There no sense of comfort, because our cluttered bedrooms are now similar to hotel room minimals. The only few items that remain are a few of our old teddy bears on the beds.
They're so unhappy with each other. I think it's safe to say that they both fear and hate each other. There is no communication. We're all connected, and yet disconnected at the same time. I can't speak to them. And it kills me.
So it became blatantly obvious that Philadelphia is now my home, and that I have to offically start the rest of my life.

manage that time.

It was about 70 something degrees out today. It felt good to be outside in a tee shirt and sunglasses, listening to the classic rock station while smoking a cigarette and detailing my car. God bless sunny weather. It made my head feel less likely to implode. I like being outside and being able to wash my car old school style with a bucket of soap.

It's a feeling of freedom.

why she left in the first place.

So here I am in Louisiana. I've been missing Philly and my apartment since I got here, but whatever. My cat that Liz saved is the sweetest kitty; he's beautiful, and he's laying beside me in bed right now grooming himself. Precious.
Yeah, so christmas. Technically, it's christmas now. It doesn't phase me. Even if I am happy, I'm sad. That's just how it is. Being home is always a little depressing. I hate having to somewhat live through what I already had to live through.
I hate to say it, but I don't think I'll be coming back down here for awhile. I end up just drinking and cussing a lot.

Oh well. It's christmas. I can't deny that I love my family, but I can't stand being around them for too long. I'm leaving for Philly on Wednesday. I'll be back to spend New Year's alone...how pathetic.

one more day, and then she's gone.

I went to Pearl today to pick up some shit so I could wrap some gifts, but unfortunately, they didn't have what I was looking for. I did, in fact though, pick up this gold ink that is totally awesome, and totally adds a nice touch to my already nice presentation. Anyone who sees my packaging will only wish they were receiving a holiday gift from me. It's like so awesome, you don't even want to open it. I actually wish I had more friends, just so I could've gotten them a gift and wrapped it pretty. Anyway.
I'm not going to work tomorrow, so now I can go and take care of all that shit that I thought I was going to have to do Saturday morning before I officially hit the road. I definitely need to go to Microcenter tomorrow, as much as I don't want to. But I must. I actually have to clean my apartment hardcore tomorrow. You know what, since I'm not working tomorrow, I may as well stay up late and do that now.

stayed in place.

Despite the wind gusts outside, I had the best hair day ever. I was in the bathroom at work, and I looked in the mirror, and damn did my hair look surprisingly stellar. I rocked it. I should've taken a picture.
Also, a very cute dude works at What's On Tap?...I just found that out today.

another late nite.

Rusty called me thrice tonite during his drunk 'n dial session. I don't ever mind when someone dd's me, because at least someone's calling me...other than my daily WHYY solicitation call. Turns out, he's now worth over a million dollars. Fucking nuts.
I can't sleep at all tonite. I was laying in bed for over three hours before I finally decided to get up and do something. I guess I'm just antsy about going back home in the next few days. When I was talking to Rusty, he was mentioning places that I forgot about. I wouldn't say I'm afraid to go back; I'm just a little nervous. I seriously don't want to run into anyone I went to highschool with...but then again, I'm hoping I do, just because I'm so much hotter than I was then, and because I'm a little more successful than they ever imagined.
I haven't even gotten anyone gifts yet. I just don't have the time on weekdays. I was a total retard this weekend and deposited my paycheck without cashing it first, so I totally bummed my days away cause the money didn't clear until today. Maybe I'll just leave Saturday afternoon after I pick up a few items in the morning. Or maybe I'll just take Friday off. I don't know.

I can't wait to see Ben.

her insanely insomniac nite.

It's been decided that I lead a dreadfully dull life. I believe that if what I do on a day-to-day basis were a mixed drink, these would be the ingredients: one part starving artist, one part couch potatoe, one part housewife, two parts mac slave, and a twist of nerd...stirred, not shaken. It would also be called a Fucking Mad Genius. "Yeah, Barkeep, can I get a Fuckin' Mad Jeanus?"
But earlier over the phone, when I told Katherine my answer to the question of how my weekend went, she said this: "Well...at least you're staying out of trouble." True indeed. She runs into my arresting officer in Jenkintown a lot; Friday was their most recent encounter, and he always asks her, "...staying out of trouble?" I can never look those cops in the eyes again, not after what I did.
So yeah, Leslie is getting back in that old regimen of being the geek that she always was and is: work, computer, read, sleep.
I've also decided that I'd catch up on my Vonnegut by finishing the books I never got around to finishing, and starting the ones I never got to start. I just finished God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater today...I believe I started it last week. I was only reading a chapter a nite before bed, but the Sabbath is always a good day to polish off the last half of a novel. I actually feel asleep at around 3 o'clock this afternoon, but when I woke up, I picked up where I left off before drifting in and out of consciousness. It was a highly enjoyable read. And so my purpose of coming downstairs was to pick up another book because I can't sleep because I fell asleep, but my computer is right there, and yeah, here I am being a nerd, typing away. But at least I did dig out The Sirens of Titan as the next read; another of his books that I never got around to starting...a copy that apparently belongs to the Multnomah County Library in Portland, OR.
On a completely random note: sometime after I arose from my nap, I went to Wawa to get a sandwich for dinner. When I got home, I was a little disappointed that the chick smothered the top half of my kaiser roll with horseradish. I know I asked for it, but shit, that was a lot of horseradish. Halfway into the sammich, that's all I tasted. Despite my burning nostrils, it was still a good sammich. There should be the option of "Little Bit of Horseradish," much like the "Little Bit of Mayo" option they got going on.
I'm leaving for Louisiana on Saturday. How exciting is that?...toe-toe-totally. It kinda sucks that I won't get to be able to hang out with anyone before I leave. Felicia's in the midst of finals; I believe Alison is as well...and I haven't hung out with either of them since the last time they got mentioned here. I was planning on stopping in to see Katherine and Al on my way since they're not far from the Turnpike, but I neglected to get Liz her present, so I have to take I76 and head west so I can pop over to Microcenter and pick it up, which is going to be a fucking drag on the Saturday before Christ!mas. Trying to get to that fucking Turnpike by way of KofP is gonna bust my balls. It's bad enough on any other given day, let alone on this particular day. Yeah, unfortunately, my only handful of friends won't/can't come see me, so I'll leave without giving a proper adieu like the drifter I am. It's a little heartbreaking when everyone, including myself, is guilty of being a lousy friend. We all try, but not hard enough. Oh well, they know I care.
Am I nuts to drive 1300 miles just to spend a week on vacation?...and then drive back? I think so. Normally when I drive there, I'm staying for at least a month. If I didn't have to bring back a cat to PA, I would've gotten a flight...even though I hate flying. This just may be the last long trip the Explorer will be able to handle. After this, only short, errand time trips. He's seen over half of the U.S., so I don't feel bad for hanging up his atlas. Good times.
You know, the thought of never again being able to take a spur-of-the-moment, halfway-across-the-country roadtrip really frightens me. To not be able to move seems like strangulation...and I hate not being able to breathe. I never imagined myself in one place. And everyone asks me why I chose Philadelphia...to answer: I was stoned. Will I stay?...for at least another year, or so. To be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself...and maybe it's better that way.

"Yeah, Barkeep, can I get another Fuckin' Mad Jeanus over here?"

wish her well.

Roxanne called today and we spoke on the phone for about 45 minutes. Turns out her room mates kicked her out of their condo over some stupid shit. So now she has to move back to Louisiana because she can't afford to pay rent on her own. It totally fucking sucks. She's pissed. She just landed a sweet, well paying job, and now she has to give them her two weeks notice when she goes in on Monday.

a questionnaire thing that would normally be too emo for me to answer.

I got one of those livejournalesque questionnaires in my email, and normally I delete all things like that, but I decided this morning that I'd answer it and post it here. So here it is:

2004 in 25

1. What is something new you did in 2004? Opened a checking account, and started paying for my own car insurance.

2. How'd you spend last Christmas? With my family, sans Billie.

3. How'd you spend last New Year's? I was in Louisiana, and I believe I slept through the Eve, and in the morning I made this awesome pot of black eyed peas that was excellent by the time they were done for dinner.

4. What were some of your favorite days in 2004? The weekend of my college graduation. My mom, Billie and Pat, Liz, and Roxanne all showed up, and them plus Katherine and Felicia was good times.

5. What were your greatest achievements? Graduating. Getting paid.

6. What about your failures? What about them?...I guess it would be thinking that I, myself was a failure.

7. What was the best album you purchased in 2004? Based on most listened to, I'm going to have to say Nada Surf's newest one.

8. What was the worst/most disappointing album you purchased in 2004? One of those albums that I bought strickly based on the cover art...I know I should stop doing that, but sometimes when I'm in a record store and I go with the intent of buying a cd, I can't think of what I really want.

9. What's the most played song in your iTunes library? Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl, from Broken Social Scene's You Forgot It in People.

10. What was your favorite article of clothing that you purchased? I dunno, some jeans?...and maybe some new blazers.

11. What kind of shoes did you rock in 2004? White, orange and green Converse 1984 Re-Issues; Red and white Vans that I've been rocking since 10th grade, Navy and orange Pumas; various girly shoes and heels.

12. What was the most expensive thing you bought this year? The Trin...I didn't buy it, but it's rent is hefty. And the new speakers for my computer. Oh, and car insurance.

13. Read any good books this year? Yeah, as a matter of fact I did: You Shall Know Our Velocity was the best fiction, and River Town: Two Years on Yangtze was the best non.

14. Favorite movies? Saved, Garden State, The Incredibles.

15. Favorite shows? I don't watch too much television. The Simpsons. South Park. The O.C.

16. How did you spend your birthday this year? Met one of the raddest guys on the face of this earth...and then heavily making out with him.

17. Remind me, how old are you? Twenty-two.

18. Did you get something nice for your birthday? Yeah, you could say that...but I think something 'stellar' would be a better term for it.

19. Did you meet any cool cats this year, and who, and are they still around? Yes. Tonie, and he's around the ways, via the internet, which sucks, but whatever at least he's around. And despite our differences, I'm still friends with Ryan.

20. Were you sexually active this year? ...dude, that's classified information.

21. Did you use protection, and did you orgasm? ...dude, seriously...

22. Do you miss anyone; who, and why? My family, because they're my family. Roxanne and Rusty, because they're two of my oldest friends. And some other randoms.

23. Did you fall in love this year? I don't really know what that feels like, so I wouldn't know. All I know is that I care a lot about those I've come to know. That was a lot of 'know.'

24. So, are you looking forward to 2005? Um, I guess this year could be my year...but then again, I say that every year.

25. One last question: what did you learn this year that you would pass on as advice? I think I learned something that I already knew: only you know what's right...and if you don't know, then make it up for yourself.

she can't complain.

"Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why." —Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

You know, oddly, I really don't have much to bitch about these days. It seems as if for the time being, I've got my shit together. I remember how at the beginning and end of every year, or semester I would vow to "get my shit together." It's funny how I've actually gotten it somewhat put together. I mean, I pay my bills, and I've got a pseudo-job, and yeah, I've got myself. I guess I'm halfway there...where ever there is.
Some days, I've been catching myself smiling for no particular reason. I guess this is what content feels like. I don't really have anything to worry about. It's actually a little strange because there's never been a time where I didn't have something to stress out and mope about. It's all so strange to me.

I'm really looking forward to visiting my parents. For once, I can come home bearing gifts, that I actually paid for with my own money. And I know that everyone is truely proud of me for going out on a limb by moving so far away and actually accomplishing something that they weren't sure I could handle. Their happiness will make me happy.

And Liz got me a cat. Some stray that she's been taking care of. But she took him to the vet and had him all cleaned up, so long as I promised to give it a home. So after the holidays, I'll no longer be lonely. Fuck dudes; I'm getting a cat, meow.

drop that deuce.

I helped Katherine and Al move furniture yesterday. I forgot how much I hated moving; my arms are sore. But at least they gave me the old Ikea couch that we had at Lynnewood when we all lived together. So yay, I have a couch. Free shit rocks.
Her little sister came with us from Jersey and we all spent the nite at Katherine's. I believe the ever-present phrase of the weekend was "dropping a deuce." I don't really think her sister knew that meant taking a shit until well into Saturday, and I don't think it mattered to her because she still said it.
My car looks good and new with the window fixed. And, I think it's official: I'm one of the best parellel parkers in the world.

Two for one Camels are the best. Loves it.

vampirish delicacy

vampiros
Originally uploaded by cheersfortrout.

I love this photo; blurs and all. I think it's gorgeous. It's just my neck, but it's so lovely. It was taken for a reason, but I won't get into that.

I've always thought that the worst way to die is to have something done to your throat. Strangled. Slit. Hung. I don't like having my neck touched. I'd have to really trust a person in order for their hands to come near my neck. But oddly, I enjoy that area to be paid attention to during makeout sessions...but then again, I only makeout with people I sorta trust.

There's really no point to this entry. I just like looking at this photo...and I really want someone to bite my neck.