don't second guess.

Sometimes I want to crash cars just for the hell of it. Of course I want to walk away unscathed. There's just something completely alluring about smashing shit up. I believe Billy Corgan once sang, "...in you feel so dirty, in you I crash cars." Yeah. I was just sitting here thinking about destruction. I like the sound of breaking glass. That is all.

Well I be damned...Terri Schiavo finally died. Here's my piece on that: it's about time, eh? I'm sure she was glad to go. I know that if I were in her position, I'd slit my own wrists if I could. It was all blown out of proportion.
Don't people realize that way back in the 19th century, by both Charles Darwin and Herbert Spencer proposed this ideology that only the fit survive? Disease and disabilities are factors in natural selection. I mean, clearly the world population is increasing like mad, and with modern advances in medical procedures and genetic alterations in crops...we pretty much have the longest life expectancy ever...so yeah, since we're basically the highest on the food chain, in order to balance out the ever increasing population, there has to be something to kill us off. We make our own natural selection factors: drugs, disease, disablity, drunk drivers...whatever. People have to die sometime, and why hang on to a life that's not contributing to society in any means?
Am I going to hell for this? Yeah, probably...if I believed in it. Ha. Too bad suckas. You know where I'm going?...to another universe, or parellel to live another life.

she said it's alright.

Happy Easter. Whatever, who cares — I'm not religious and I don't really care too much for the Easter Bunny, although he does seem to always leave me loads of chocolate that I shouldn't have lying around my house. It's stashed under my butcher block, out of sight so I don't think about it. Chocolate is delicious. Almost too delicious. It makes me happy, but in excess it makes me feel gross. Hidden is my best bet.

When I was in Louisiana back in December for xmas, I went to see The Life Aquatic, and at the end of the movie in that pivotal scene where they finally find the shark, I remember almost wanting to cry because the background music was Sigur Ros. The reason: that song was one of the tracks in the Machine iTunes library, and hearing it in Louisiana made me miss Philadelphia. And hearing it right now...it makes me miss Machine.

I left my bottle of rum at Katherine's house. I shall retrieve that tomorrow night.

been a good few years.

I saw Alison's animation reel. It was pretty spectacular to see her's amongst others. It was neat. I congratulate her. She's graduating next week and I'm excited for her. Yay!

Sometimes, when I walk at night, I think about everything that's happened, and I always wonder to myself, "How'd I end up here, walking down this street?" Sometimes I'm amazed at where I've taken myself. I've met some great friends and good people along the way. I'm glad I met them, and I'm sorry if I ever hurt them, and I'd hate to see them go.

I remember this conversation I had with my dad back when I was in the 9th grade. He was telling me about how he had met all these great people in the Air Force, and how he always had to say goodbye when he or his pals were re-stationed, and how most of the time he lost all contact with them. And I remember thinking how terrible that must be. And I remember thinking that I never want that to happen. And since then, I've always tried to keep friends, but sometimes they slip away, and sometimes I have to accept that.

"remember that time...?" Heh, yeah we were invincible.

where does the good go?

When I can't think of a title, I kinda just steal a lyric from whatever song that just so happens to be playing in the background...
...where does the good go?
look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen... -tegan & sara
...(le sigh).

So, the internal battle is still at large. I've also made a few decisions in the past few weeks that will greatly affect my future. I'm not sure if it'll be for the best, but I had to make an attempt toward progression. It all still hurts.

I don't know what I'm doing. I seriously don't know anymore. I wandered all through life...and now I'm just stumbling.

They say I'm crazy. I say indeed.

---

I had one of those dreams last nite where the colors were beautiful, the lighting was harsh sunlight along with the drastic shadows it produces. Silent dream...only action and facial expressions and sunlight. It was a variation of my hotrod, heist & porno fantasy. I was somewhere in the desert. I could tell that I was in big sky country by the brilliant shade of blue and by the lovely puffs of cloud. Dirt roads intersected lost highways. I could feel the gravel crunch under my feet as I walked. I could smell the engine of the car and the man driving it. I could taste the cigarettes on his lips. I could feel everything. The dream didn't end in the usual manner of us getting away with murder and robbery and having sex on the hood of the car. This time, there was a crash after a shoot out. I pulled myself out of the wreckage, and I pulled him out, he said something, smiled, and then died. I cried as I tried to stand up. I was bleeding from my torso. I walked away from the crash and heading into the desert, but I didn't get far before a black shiny car pulled up. I was gagged, and bound, and thrown in the trunk. I couldn't be saved. I was as good as dead.

please not now.

There's a lot for me to complain about, but quite frankly, I'm just so tired of everything. I want to quit. I want to move on. I want to go home. I want to see my dog. I want to punch faces. I want to give the fuck up. I'm tired. I'm really tired.

I don't know what to say anymore. I just want to disappear.

she can't take it.

...I left at exactly 5:30 today. No more, no less. And when I was walking home, tears just involuntarily started rolling down my cheeks.

I knew I'd just end up hurting myself...and I'm probably going to end up hurting other people as well.